Listen up guys and gals, today is the day that ‘GTA V’ drops into and onto consoles in your homes, apartments, and chiq California pads. If you’re like me, you enjoy preparing for these types of releases, as when a title this massive is released, the effects in the gaming community resound loudly. So here are the 5 things to watch for with the release of ‘GTA V’.
1. The Renaissance Period of AAA Video Games
Everybody! We made it! Just as with the release of ‘GTA IV’, we are finally going to see a complete overhaul in the quality and production of video games. Just as when Van Gogh and Da Vinci revolutionized art (or whatever they were doing) and they saw all their counterparts step up their game to match the quality of the art produced, so too will we see an increase in game quality. I have faith in the gaming industry. There is almost no way that they don’t see the finished product of ‘GTA V’ and realize that the current quality of AAA games isn’t cutting it. Surely, we won’t see this ever again, especially considering how apt the games industry is at adaptation.
2. Quality Female Character Development
Women everywhere can rejoice, because we have another ‘GTA’ game. I’d be curious to the percentage of women who pick up ‘GTA’ titles. Because whatever that percentage was, multiply it by a million. Okay, so 1% multiplied by 1,000,000. That’s like 10,000 women!
With ‘GTA V’ moving to the more serious narrative structure it has adopted over the past two games, plenty of people have been speculating that it will approach female narrative similarly to characters like Skyler from Breaking Bad or Betty from Mad Men. Maybe a stripper will show some heart. Maybe a naggy meth head will become a darling character to compliment the raging egos of the men. No doubt that a female will play a pivotal role in this story and be subjected to almost no preexisting notions of what women mean to gangsters.
3. Rockstar will Pay Off Reviewers
Those sleazy Rockstar people are at it again. As 10/10 reviews come out of the gaming news sources with the frequency of Redditors flocking to a post about atheism, rumors will begin to arise that Rockstar pulled a fast one on us again! I am here to confirm that they probably did. A guy who I met the other day in a dream about playing through ‘Grand Theft Auto V’ told me that another guy he knew who had known one of the accounting directors for the guys who made ‘Driver’ told him that Rockstar was definitely going to pay these reviewers off. Surely Rockstar got to work paying off all these valuable gaming sites, whose opinions the public takes as gold. So don’t believe the reviews! They can’t be trusted! Rather, I’d recommend turning off your computer for a few days so that you aren’t influenced into believing any of the nonsense these places are spitting out. In fact, X out of this page. I probably can’t be trusted either.[youtube http://youtu.be/hvoD7ehZPcM]
4. Nintendo will Finally Restructure Their Strategy Due to the Popularity of ‘GTA V’
Let’s face it: it is high time Nintendo starts appealing to the intelligent adult gamer who is currently drooling while popping heads off of fools in an online “deathmatch”, simultaneously chugging down Mountain Dew and other commercial products while fondly remembering the days when sunlight was a larger part of his/her daily existence. ‘GTA V’ is probably the final straw for Nintendo. This is the market you need to be appealing to. Screw the kids, they can play with Leapster or something. Stop making Mario. Start making “Grand Theft Mario: Modern Warfare Terrorists are Everywhere U” and maybe you’ll move some consoles.
Who am I kidding? What’s that you say? “‘Watch Dogs’ is coming to Wii U?” Huh?
5. Crime will Increase Exponentially
I don’t know about all of you, but I know one thing for sure. Video games are bad and the ‘GTA’ series is like the Marilyn Manson of video games. So to all concerned parents who are currently reading this, HIDE YOUR CHILDREN! The Doompocalypse is here! Did you know that whenever a video game is released anywhere, crime increases by hundred of decimals or full hundreds of percents depending on numerous variables as well as the natural predisposition for crime in that area by area in each area? I have proof! Click this. I, for one, if I had any children or even someone I significantly cared about would not even dare bring ‘GTA V’ into the house. So be careful, or else ‘GTA V’ will lead to crime. Unlike TV, music, upbringing, poverty, and undue taxation.
Excuse me for a minute. I just put in my preorder on my PS3. The Doompocalype awaits!